Slope Trash Wheels
Posted by Round Guy on Jul 27, 2002, 23:24
Original Publication Date: July 15, 1999
copyright 1999 by Slope Trash Magazine
It ain’t easy to choose the perfect glider hauler. Cars, trucks and vans each have individual advantages and disadvantages. Further, not all Slope Trash Wheels can be selected to serve only their primary purpose - to get you and your planes to the slope. Often the vehicle must support two or more roles.
But speaking as a guy who has owned eight Volvos, two Saabs, five air-cooled Volkswagens, two water-cooled VWs, a Triumph TR-6, an Austin Mini Cooper, and two Oldsmobiles, I offer my humble observations. First, let’s look at the essential characteristics:
Interior space. “Elbow room!” cried Dan’l Boone. Consider the traditional full-size station wagon - now those babies have some room inside. Modern car? What does “cab forward design” give us besides cramped engine compartment and an enormous unusable shelf beyond the dashboard? Mini van? Hahahaha. Not everyone wants to look like a suburban housewife. Manly van? OK, good choice, and you can even sleep in ‘em, but they're not cheap. Pick ‘em up? Harsh ride, notchy manual transmissions, and you spend half your packing time figuring how to protect the load from the slipstream and the weather. SUV? Cargo space behind the rear seat is a cruel joke. Sure, you can fold the seats down, but SUV cargo space still pales in comparison to a standard station wagon. And the ride quality? No better than a truck. The spare tire hanging on the outside of the SU vehicle makes a prima facie case that the vehicle is short on interior space.
Handling Handling is over rated for most of the driving we do, which is highway cruising. Oh sure, a trip may include a couple decreasing-radius turns at the cloverleafs, but how often do you need to pull 0.8 lateral Gs in daily driving? Most of our trips are on the straight and level, and high performance suspensions are rarely needed for getting gliders from here to there.
A pair of Homo Slopiens, Tubular Chuck and Round Guy with the Bluesmobile. Photo taken during a two-state, eight-day, 1600-mile glider flying trip.
Cruising Speed Many drivers think cruising speed is determined by engine size, transmission ratios, or body shape coefficient of drag. It is not. In the practical world of today’s highway driving, cruising speed is determined by how fast you can go without getting a ticket. What we want here is not high performance, but rather low observability. Drive a red BMW and the cops are looking for you. Drive a gray/green Bluesmobile and the cops are thinking about their next donut.
Which is more important: how your car looks, or how your plane looks? Round Guy prepping A-4 Skyhawk for maiden flight at Lake Ontario.
With the exception of the 40 HP Volkswagen Microbus, most any car can exceed the posted speed limit, even Soccer Mom Vans. The trick is to blend in to the traffic, and fit the profile of Old Fart, not NASCAR Man. Remember, I formerly had a Mini Cooper (none better for cornering) and a TR-6 (lovely top end cruising speed) but the absolute fastest car I ever had for daily commuting was a freakin’ Olds Omega. That sled is invisible to the cops.
Every time the Bluesmobile zooms by a Chevy Corvette hunkering down or Dodge Viper holding back because NASCAR Man has too many points on his license, I chuckle to myself. In the practical world, cruising speed is not determined by design performance variables, it is determined by stealth characteristics.
Fuel Economy Gasoline is as cheap as it’s been in the 34 years I’ve been driving. In 1965 gas cost 39 cents a gallon and the minimum wage was $1.45. In the summer of 1999 it costs $1.15 and the minimum wage is $5.50. You gotta burn high test? Ooooooh, bad decision brother; see the next section on Engine Capacity.
Hey, what did we fight the 1991 Gulf War for? To secure cheap oil, right? And if you were really concerned about fuel conservation, you wouldn’t be hauling the weight and pushing the frontal area of a “modern” SUV, now, would you? You’d have an electric car. Or a bicycle.
Engine Capacity “There’s no substitute for cubic inches.” -- Stroker McGurk.
Get a Genuine GM old-timey V-8 and don’t worry, be happy. These beasts go 30 MPH with the throttle closed and 80 MPH with the throttle open half an inch. There is nothing in all of European wunder engineering like opening up the second pair of carburetor barrels and motivating on down the highway.
Big engines can live with the cheapest gas because they run lower compression ratios. Big engines last longer than small engines because they are under-stressed, the opposite of aero engines that need to be torn down and rebuilt on schedule. And if the mill ever does give up the ghost, a replacement from a salvage yard costs less than a “modern” car monthly payment. The presence of a turbo charger on a street car is the chief engineer’s acknowledgment that the design is underpowered.
Repairs Repair costs are a consideration for both old and new cars. I figure any month that my repair costs are lower than my buddy’s monthly car payment or my other buddy’s lease payment, I’m ahead of the game. Domestic car parts are cheap; imported car parts are dear. I used to think Volvo parts were expensive ( “Come on in and open up your wallet.”) until I started buying water-cooled VW parts (“Lean over and grab your ankles.”). If you’ve been a Eurostyle replacement parts buyer, you’ve got a pleasant surprise in store when you purchase tune-up parts for a sled made in Detroit by The General.
The Round Guy’s Wheels: The Land Yacht After owning and driving 22 cars I think I have a bead on suitable Slope Trash Wheels. A 1970-1990 full size, rear-wheel drive General Motors station wagon. Get the 317 CID V-8 (5-liter) and never worry about climbing hills again. You get used to the automatic transmission in a week and never look back. Put in an aftermarket CD deck and decent speakers and you have a floating living room with great tunes.
I’m not there yet; I still need a station wagon rather than my present sedan. I traded a computer for the 1984 Oldsmobile Delta 88 “Bluesmobile” and have never been as happy with a car since the TR-6. The Olds has “cop motor, cop shocks, cop brakes.” And in terms of highway motoring comfort and quiet civility, daughter said “It’s like driving a cloud. You can’t even tell the engine is running.” Long live shoulder room.
And the best thing about these 8-cylinder, 16-valve behemoths? They’re dirt cheap. Hey, more money for slope planes.
Another Skyhawk shot, to show what's really important!
ST Automotive Consumer tip 1: Automotive “enthusiast” magazines are for entertainment, not for serious information gathering. Treat ‘em like the funny papers: lotsa laffs to read, but not a source for life-decision information.
ST Automotive Consumer tip 2: Anything advertised on TV you don’t need. You may have to search a little to get the stuff you "do" need. There is delicious irony in a current sporty car ad. The car is shown four-wheel-drifting across the desert, kicking up mighty clouds of dust. Background music is strangely familiar, a pounding guitar intro, a song intro from The Who. The Song? “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”
There you have it! If you have a primo slope plane hauler and you want to add to this storyline let the editor know.
